Cherchez La Femme

See the queen, follow the queen. Watch the lady, don’t take your eyes off the card, follow the lady, look for the queen…

I have a very dear friend who has a playful crush on a girl who works at the cheese counter in the most amazing grocery. I tease her about it, and at times encourage her to be bold and actually make a move, even just asking her out to coffee or something. And she demurs, and says something about it not being that serious, and that the allure of the illusion is likely better than what she believes would be the reality. And I shake my head and smile and think how silly she is.

I acquired a new friend not so long ago. We met through a work situation, and seemed to really hit it off, far more so than I had anticipated. Once the work situation was resolved, we decided we enjoyed getting together and chatting, enough so that we should continue to do so periodically. It has turned out that we get together about once a month for drinks after work. It has been very casual, very easy, and very comfortable. If anything, I was taken by how quickly it seemed to get very comfortable. I do not make new friends often, nor easily. And here was someone that seemed to warm to me very quickly, which was unusual enough that I really noticed it.

So, it has been warm and chatty and comfortable and friendly, mixed with what, I think, was some flirting. I tend to be a very bad judge of when someone is flirting with me (and, I’ve been told, of when I am flirting with someone else), but this seemed to get past my usual obliviousness. Furthermore, I had heard from a common pal that my new friend and her husband practiced some flavor of an open relationship. I didn’t assume much from that, since everyone’s rules are so very different, except that it gave me some further belief that I had not been imagining the flirting.

This friend and I got together again this week. I had entertained thoughts of being bold and saying something forthright like, “So, just what are we doing here, anyway? What is this all about? Where do you think it might be going?” As it turned out, the topic came up somewhat more naturally.

In the midst of conversation, she made a comment about some “boy that I have a crush on.” And before I knew it, I interjected, “Wait a minute, I thought I was the boy you had a crush on.”, trying to play it off as a joke. I thought.

But she came right back with, “Oooh, you look so sad. No, I had a crush on you the first time we met, but I got over that really fast.”

I tried not to pout, and she assured me that she thought “friends” was way better than “crush”. And that she and her husband were presently using rules that meant they came as a package deal. Further, her free time is a rare commodity, thus what there is of it she’d like to spend on him. And besides, she has a boy already, so most of her interests outside the relationship tended to be towards girls.

Which is to say, my goodness, she had a lot of reasons for saying “No.” Enough reasons that it was a pretty unequivocal response.

And here I am, trying to parse my reactions towards it all. On the one hand, we do still have this very easy and chatty friendship, and I don’t make friends easily, so that is not something I take lightly. I am pleased and grateful to have her as a friend. On the other hand, I really liked the edge of flirty tension, the play of “maybe there is something here, maybe not, maybe…” And that feels very gone now, which is sad.

It rather makes me wish I had left it alone, and just enjoyed the tension for what it was. Instead, I played the game and turned the card over and lo and behold, the queen was not where I thought it was. Which cannot help but be a sadness.

Now I understand better where the first friend I mentioned stands with the girl at the cheese counter. Maybe when you have serious doubts anything could come of it, it’s better not to force the issue and remove all doubt. But then, if you do not play, you cannot win.