I’ve been making more of an effort to get out and see people lately. At least in part, quitting work has given me more energy and bandwidth to be sociable.
So, I’ve been making an effort to be more outgoing, asking people out, making plans. In some cases, I’ve even asked out a few near-total strangers. (As I’m trying to describe this, it sounds _soooo_ geeky. Oh well, welcome to my head.) So, I initiate things, asking someone out a couple of times, trying to get to know each other a little better. And (so far) they almost always appear to go well, even the cases where I’ve asked someone out, out of the blue. Lots of good conversation, laughing, enjoyment, a good time had by all.
And yet, I’ve been surprised at how many of those occasions are followed up with total silence. No emails, no calls, no suggestions for another outing, nothing. In some cases, I’ve waited a couple of months and then tried again, and I’ve gotten the same friendly response I got the first time, and we’ll have a fun time. But things again go silent long term.
So, I’ve grown to interpret that silence as ambivalence. “Ehh, it was okay, but nothing to write home about.” “I could take it or leave it.” Which I could understand and accept, if it didn’t seem like we had a warm and friendly time when we did get together. Maybe I’m just really bad at reading these things. Or maybe I’m a good first date, but not so good at second dates.
Thankfully, they haven’t all been like that, and I do seem to have cultivated at least one new friend who actively initiates plans and makes an effort to stay in touch. But that has felt like the distinct minority these days.
It’s not you, it’s me…
Perhaps you are assuming too much. You assume this person reacted so so because that is what would prevent you from following up. Perhaps the people you are asking out enjoyed it immensely, but they, unlike yourself, haven’t the new found freedom of being without the time-sync that is full time employment.
This is, after all, what prevented you from having the very social life you are offering to them.
Tim H.
i can relate to the problem. I’ve had more than a few successful “friendship first dates” that never panned out. I give it, of the successful first meetings, a 1 in 5 follow-up meeting rate. Maybe 1 in 4. But that works out, cause my free time’s still too cramped by the career to keep up relationships much more than my current set of friends.
A few months ago I tried to liken friendships to spinning plates. And you have all these diverse friends, and you call them up one at a time and you meet for coffee and you go see some music or go for a walk, and that keeps the plates spinning. But this analogy totally falls apart when you realize that, in almost all cases, there is no consequence to letting the plate stop spinning. They’re teflon plastic plates or something. They fall on the ground, bounce, don’t shatter, and you can go pick them up later and start spinning them again.
have oyu read the Tipping Point? As a Dude With Free Time, I recommend you get your ass over to the library and check out The Tipping Point by Malcom Gladwell. Some interesting theories on friendship and the types of people who glue together social circles.
Thanks for the comments, both of you.
Tim, for some of the specific cases I have in mind, i think you have a valid point. But for some others, not so much. But it’s a good perspective to keep in mind. Thanks.
Ethan, I don’t think i even knew you read this blog. I feel so nekkid. 🙂
Thanks muchly for the book recco. I’ve been reading lots lately, but mostly fiction. I’ll definitely add this one to the queue.
Your analogy is apt for my current state of mind, because the plates are passive objects, available for spinning, but not giving much back in return. I guess I’m whining about wanting more active participation.
Ahh well, all things considered, if this is what I have to whine about, I must be doing pretty good. 🙂
that’s the problem with blogs, dude. un-intended readers of your blog! like me!
I keep up to date with your blog and a number of other people through a combination of my friends page and RSS feeds via NetNewsWire. It’s quite easy to stay current with a lot of people these days, never actually talking directly to one another, just shouting out into the ether at whoever’s listening.