I went to a local clinic today to get tested for “everything” (FSVO) in the realm of STDs. Not that I had any particular reason to worry, but it’s something I think I should do periodically, on general principle. It had been a while since my last sweep of tests (too long), and I couldn’t even find the records from that one.
A friend recommended a clinic in the area that was especially sharp, and I made the appointment.
So, today I filled out paperwork, wrote out my name and address on no fewer than five forms (really, how lame is that?), gave two vials of blood, had a swab poked into my urethra (ow!), donated some pee and had my gums/cheek swabbed. Oh yeah, and I dropped trou for a total stranger and let her fondle my package.
After I was reassembled, I left the exam area of the clinic and returned to the lobby to fill out a release form so they could mail me my test results in a few days. As I’m standing in the lobby, the doctor who did my test came into the lobby and tapped me on the shoulder. “When you get done, can you come back to the exam room for a second?”
!
A brief moment of panic. “Fucking hell, what?” I mean, when you’ve just been tested for a suite of STDs, and the doctor calls you back no fewer than three minutes after you’ve left… visions of drug-resistant infections and culture dishes overflowing with growth ran through my head. “Uhhh, sure. Be right there.”
I finished the forms and went through the lobby back into the exam area. The doc saw me and came over. “I just wanted to tell you the HIV test came back negative.” My brain parsed the sentence about 57 times in rapid order. “Negative. She said negative, right? Right. Negative. Negative. That’s good. Right? Right. Negative.” She gave me a print out of the results and I was on my way.
Which is to say, even when you’re getting tested just because “it’s the right thing to do” and you have no real reason to expect to test positive for anything… it’s still nerve-wracking.
For what it’s worth, the visual and manual exams for genital warts and crabs also were negative. Everything else: Chlamydia, NGU, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, HSV 1 and 2 and Hep B have to wait for test results to arrive on Monday.
Sorry I couldn’t find on YouTube the Chappell Show skit of Q-Tip singing “It’s a VD Day!”
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