I went to a local clinic today to get tested for “everything” (FSVO) in the realm of STDs. Not that I had any particular reason to worry, but it’s something I think I should do periodically, on general principle. It had been a while since my last sweep of tests (too long), and I couldn’t even find the records from that one.
A friend recommended a clinic in the area that was especially sharp, and I made the appointment.
So, today I filled out paperwork, wrote out my name and address on no fewer than five forms (really, how lame is that?), gave two vials of blood, had a swab poked into my urethra (ow!), donated some pee and had my gums/cheek swabbed. Oh yeah, and I dropped trou for a total stranger and let her fondle my package.
After I was reassembled, I left the exam area of the clinic and returned to the lobby to fill out a release form so they could mail me my test results in a few days. As I’m standing in the lobby, the doctor who did my test came into the lobby and tapped me on the shoulder. “When you get done, can you come back to the exam room for a second?”
!
A brief moment of panic. “Fucking hell, what?” I mean, when you’ve just been tested for a suite of STDs, and the doctor calls you back no fewer than three minutes after you’ve left… visions of drug-resistant infections and culture dishes overflowing with growth ran through my head. “Uhhh, sure. Be right there.”
I finished the forms and went through the lobby back into the exam area. The doc saw me and came over. “I just wanted to tell you the HIV test came back negative.” My brain parsed the sentence about 57 times in rapid order. “Negative. She said negative, right? Right. Negative. Negative. That’s good. Right? Right. Negative.” She gave me a print out of the results and I was on my way.
Which is to say, even when you’re getting tested just because “it’s the right thing to do” and you have no real reason to expect to test positive for anything… it’s still nerve-wracking.
For what it’s worth, the visual and manual exams for genital warts and crabs also were negative. Everything else: Chlamydia, NGU, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, HSV 1 and 2 and Hep B have to wait for test results to arrive on Monday.
Sorry I couldn’t find on YouTube the Chappell Show skit of Q-Tip singing “It’s a VD Day!”
I have been getting tested yearly for all STDs for geesh 7 or so years now. I just have them do all this when I get my yearly female exam.
It probably seems excessive to do it yearly especially since I have been careful and whatnot and I am also in a stable/trusting relationship…but eh, my insurance covers it and it makes me feel better overall knowing I am ok in that realm of my life.
Kudos for you…and yeeeek on the q tip bit..I hear that is…well MURDER.
Once a year! Very proactive; good for you!
I don’t know yet whether my insurance will cover this or not. I’d like to hit a schedule of at least every two years. We’ll see how that works out.
And yeah, I hear you about the “seems excessive” thing. It’s probably gross overkill for me as well, but… I figure, what possible downside is there to testing and knowing for sure? And if a new relationship does just happen to happen, at least you’re comfortable that you’re not at risk of passing anything along.
And the q-tip, umm, yeah. I hate to make too big of a deal about it, but… easily the most uncomfortable part of the experience.
Good for you. I’ve been meaning to have all that done again but haven’t gotten around to locating a place to do it. And uh, never done the q-tip thing, that sounds positively awful. Which test is that for? I don’t want that part. I’d rather give blood all day than do that, and I hate giving blood.
Aww, don’t let me scare you off. I’m a big baby. It stings for about 10 seconds and then is over.
But, FWIW, I think that’s the test for Gonorrhea.
Thank you for being the sort of person who does get tested periodically, just because.
(Hah! As I am unlikely to have sexual contact with you in the future, I can say that completely unselfishly!)