Playing the game

For the most part, I have been in long-term relationships. Biggies, that have lasted years at a time. And I don’t regret them, not one whit. But, I do feel like it has left me with a great big gaping hole where the “flirting and hooking up” module should have been installed.

I have this girl I quite like. We don’t get to see each other that often, but when we do, it seems like we really click. There are no awkward silences, we have lots to talk about, we’re on the same page on many issues. She’s funny, interesting, intelligent. And I find her rather attractive.

And I am just clueless about how to make the first move. Like, sadly, lamely clueless, in a junior high, toeing the ground kind of fashion. When we’re together, I spend entirely too much time “in my own head” trying to decipher the inscrutible hieroglyphics of “Was that an opening?” and “Should I say something?” and “Is now the time to try to kiss her” and “Aww hell, did I say the wrong thing? Did that sound skeevy?” It’s completely a case of “paralysis by analysis”.

And so, I’ll end up doing what I always do, which is to not do anything, wait for her to make the first move, which she probably won’t, and that’s the end of that. I’ll end up “the friend” again. And I can’t bitch much about that, because she’s a really good friend.

But, I’m allowed to wish it was something more.