Playing the game

      6 Comments on Playing the game

For the most part, I have been in long-term relationships. Biggies, that have lasted years at a time. And I don’t regret them, not one whit. But, I do feel like it has left me with a great big gaping hole where the “flirting and hooking up” module should have been installed.

I have this girl I quite like. We don’t get to see each other that often, but when we do, it seems like we really click. There are no awkward silences, we have lots to talk about, we’re on the same page on many issues. She’s funny, interesting, intelligent. And I find her rather attractive.

And I am just clueless about how to make the first move. Like, sadly, lamely clueless, in a junior high, toeing the ground kind of fashion. When we’re together, I spend entirely too much time “in my own head” trying to decipher the inscrutible hieroglyphics of “Was that an opening?” and “Should I say something?” and “Is now the time to try to kiss her” and “Aww hell, did I say the wrong thing? Did that sound skeevy?” It’s completely a case of “paralysis by analysis”.

And so, I’ll end up doing what I always do, which is to not do anything, wait for her to make the first move, which she probably won’t, and that’s the end of that. I’ll end up “the friend” again. And I can’t bitch much about that, because she’s a really good friend.

But, I’m allowed to wish it was something more.

6 thoughts on “Playing the game

  1. abrichar

    At the risk of being a ‘fixer’…

    … is it an option for you to just tell her hey, I’m feeling this real click, are you there too?

    Clearly I can speak only for myself… but if I’m interested, that is so much nicer than the potentially awkward kiss or ‘why does he look freaked out?’ phenomena. And with people I trust and care for, even if it’s not *that* kind of interest, the directly verbalized approach really doesn’t screw things up. It’s special regardless.

    Of course, I’m an absurdly direct person. Not everyone appreciates that to the level that I do.

  2. superflashgo

    Oh gosh I thought you were dating someone! I must have been mistaken. Or did you recently have a breakup?

    I have to agree with the above. And I am also absurdly direct. But I would find it extremely flattering if the object of my affection would call me and say, “You know what? I’d like to take you out this Friday night. And I don’t mean just out. I mean out on a date. With flowers and wine and reservations and moonlight. Can I do that? Can I take you out on a for real date?”

    And if you call her and ask it will be easier for her to hide her embarassment at either A. such a flattering and appealing offer or B. such an absurd idea.

    But truely if she’s the right girl for you it won’t matter. Whatever you decide to do will be right by her.

  3. pooralice

    I agree with the “absurdly direct” approach. I wish I knew what to say to help you get over the “paralysis by analysis” phenomenon so that this simple approach would be possible.

    I like the clarity with which you appear to be asessing the situation. Hopefully that will be to your advantage in opening the subject with her, should you choose to.

    …How did you get into your previous relationships? Did they each pick up on you?

  4. dolmena

    If you’re actually good friends with her, maybe you should try the direct approach. (I assume she knows that you are available and doesn’t disapprove of your lifestyle.) just tell her that you’re attracted to her, and want to know if she’s interested in exploring that as part of your friendship, or whether you should concentrate on other aspects… something like that. Just grabbing her and kissing her could be very good or very bad, but I’m guessing someone you’re friends with is into discussing things.

  5. nosty

    I didn’t date in high school when people normally do. Then I went to college and I was startled by the whole frat scene. I had relationships and I’ve spent years in some of them. Now that I’m single, I’m not even sure where to meet people. Does Trader Joe’s have a singles night? I’m always feeling like I’ve said the wrong thing when I approach someone. I guess it isn’t a positive thing that I still maintain friendships with my ex’s.

    Then I feel like there are assumptions because I’m over 30. No, I am not having a biological clock crisis. I’m trying to get back into school, dammit. I just want to date, that’s all I can handle right now.

  6. oregongirl

    If you find the secret to overcoming those fears, please let me know. I’ve been out of the dating game for nearly ten years and honestly have no idea what to do.

    I guess, the only way to overcome it is to follow that so overused Nike slogan and “Just do it.”. I’m hopeful that you’ll find an opportunity to start dialogue about what is and what could be. Who knows? Maybe she’s blogging about the very same things somewhere else right now… It all comes down to the fact that someone has to break the ice. May as well be you.

    Good luck! I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.


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